


Over

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of self-harm, Phan - Freeform, trigger warning: self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 15:12:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3815101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over. Dan hated the word. Those four letters held more meaning for him than love or hate ever could, and he'd heard plenty of both.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Over

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfiction. Hopefully you'll like it Sorry I suck at summaries.

Dan sighed, pressing his head against the window of the bus as it pulled into London. The streets were still familiar to him, although it had been almost two years since he'd last been here. There was no need anymore, now that he was living in Edinburgh. 

The bus pulled to a halt, and looking around, Dan realised this was the stop he wanted. He quickly got his bag out from under his seat and shuffled down the aisle, hopping off. He was still a few streets away from his destination, but he wanted time to stretch his legs and think things over. 

 _Over._ Dan hated the word. Those four letters held more meaning for him than  _love_ or  _hate_  ever could, and he'd heard plenty of both. 

Everything had started with  _over._  A simple text, asking him if he wanted to visit, stay over. It had opened up a door to a whole new world for Dan, one where he had a friend, a real, living, breathing friend. He found himself waking up on the floor of his friend's room, and soon they were best friends, and 'stay over' became more frequent, and before he knew it they were living together in Manchester and Dan was the happiest he's ever been.   
Then came dropping out of Uni, and Dan's world was on the verge of collapse, when suddenly friendship became _more_ , and more became _love_ and the only 'over' he was hearing was _"Turn over."_ during sweaty summer nights as they fumbled between the sheets, or _"It'll be okay, it'll be over soon."_ when the panic would set in again and the dark would creep in.

And then the were in London, and everything was great. New flat, new jobs, and new friends. Life was finally going right, and the future was bright for Dan. He had a job he loved, friends who cared, and a boyfriend who he loved more than anything.

But after a few months, watching movies together were cut short by _"Is it over yet?"_ s, and  _"Turn over."_ became  _"Move over."_ as they lay in bed. And as Dan's anxiety and the dark thoughts came back, comforting words were replaced by  _"Just get over it."_ And then:

_"It's over."_

Those two little words had shattered his entire world. Six years of his life being rendered nothing but a waste of time, the future he'd dreamed of being ripped away from him by that stupid four-letter word.

 _Over. Over. Over. Over. Over. Over._  
Ringing through his head as he dragged a knife across the skin of his left forearm, shaking with silent sobs as he leaned over the bathroom sink, back in his parents' house.

At the though, Dan instinctively tugged on his left sleeve. It had been almost seven months since he's gotten clean, but scars just didn't fade quite as quickly as he'd like. 

It had taken almost six months to post another video after he'd moved back home. He'd forced himself in the end, learning to fake smiles. He actually began to post content on a regular basis. Fans were happy, and about nine months ago he'd been offered the job at BBC Scotland, hosting his own nightly entertainment show on the radio, in the prime 5-7pm slot. He'd taken the job without hesitation, wanting a fresh start. He loved Edinburgh. He'd made new friends and really settled in. He;d even had  girlfriend, for a while. It ended on good terms; she was the one who'd convinced him to come to London today.

He stopped, looking up. He'd reached his destination: Starbucks. The very one they used to go to every Saturday morning for breakfast. He hesitated for a moment, before shaking his head. There was no going back now. Emily was right, he couldn't run from this. He took a deep breath, and pushed open the door.

He was instantly greeted by the warm smell of coffee and the sound of cafe chatter between friends. He glanced around. 

"Dan!" a voice said to one side of him, and he turned to see a young man standing up from a table by the window. Dan's breath caught in his throat as the man walked towards him arms outstretched. He took a step backwards, and the other man's face fell as his arms dropped back to his sides.

"Hello, Phil." Dan said, a bit colder than he'd intended. He could see the dark haired man wincing at his tone.  
"Shall I order? I didn't think you'd come but I decided to wait just in case. The usual? Macchiato? With extra syrup?" Phil asked hurriedly.  
"Americano. Black, decaf, one sugar." Dan said.  
"Oh." Phil's face fell again. Dan left him to order as he went to sit down. Phil had, predictably, chosen their corner of the coffee shop, where they would always sit when they came here. He sat down, taking a deep breath to steady himself. This was going to be a lot harder than he'd expected. He looked across to where Phil was nervously fiddling with the hem of his shirt, waiting to be served. Three years had done him justice. He still didn't look his 31 years, dressed in a blue flannel shirt and trademark black skinny jeans. His hair, however, was now styled up in a quiff, and he wore his glasses. It suited him better, Dan thought. 

Phil came back with the coffees and two muffins.  
"I figured I'd play safe and just get two blueberry, seeing as your coffee order has changed so much." he said, and Dan detected sadness in his tone.   
"Blueberry is fine, thank you." Dan replied, keeping his voice as monotone as he could. He couldn't let Phil know how nervous he was, or how fast his heart was beating as the older man studied him now.   
"I knew things would be different, but I didn't think I'd ever see a day where Dan Howell ordered a drink as simple as an Americano from a Starbucks. And look at you, you're dressed so differently." Phil said. Dan glanced down at his clothes. He wore a pair of turquoise chinos and a navy hoodie. Quite different from the all-black wardrobe that Phil would remember.   
"You've changed so much, Dan." Phil said softly, almost as if he didn't want Dan to hear it.

"Well, a soul destroying break-up would do that to a person." Dan snapped, suddenly angry. "Especially when you find out that your boyfriend of what, almost six years? Had been cheating on you with someone you thought was your friend."  
Phil opened his mouth, and then closed it again.  
"What, nothing to say for once? Look, Phil, I can't do this." Dan continued, standing up. "I thought I could, but I can't." He pulled a tenner out of his wallet, slapping it down on the table and walking out. A moment later, and he could hear Phil running behind him to catch up.  
"Dan, stop, please! Please wait! Let me talk to you!" Phil cried. Dan kept walking, quicker, towards the park. "Dan!" Phil called again. A moment later, and Phil was grabbing at his arm, his fingers brushing against Dan's forearm. Dan froze, knowing instantly that Phil had felt the scarred tissue there.   
"Dan."  
Something in Phil's voice made Dan turn around to face him. Phil stared at him, and Dan knew that he was adding it all up in his head, realising what he had put Dan through. After what seemed like forever, Phil reached out for Dan's arm again. Dan pulled away, but Phil's eyes pleaded with him, and Dan gave in. He allowed Phil to roll back his sleeve, taking in the scarred mess.  
"Fuck, Dan." Phil breathed out, and suddenly there were tears rolling down his cheeks, followed by a rush of words. "Dan, I'm so, so sorry. I never meant for any of this. PJ was a mistake. A stupid bloody mistake that I regretted the minute you left and have done ever since. Oh god, I don't know why I did it. Maybe it was all the fame, made me feel like I could have it all. Or maybe I just got cold feet, didn't want to be tied down so young, but god I've never regretted anything more in my life and now I know that I caused you more pain than I ever could have imagined. Jesus Christ, Dan, how did you even bring yourself o see me today? You must hate me so much." he said, voice shaking as he curled his hands into fists by his side.  
Dan hesitated, before taking a tiny step closer to Phil.  
"I don't hate you, Phil." he began. "I could never hate you. You were the first and only best friend I've ever had."  
"But I ruined it, Dan. I fucked up. I threw it all away for some guy." Phil replied, tears still rolling down his cheeks. "I didn't need a pretty face and a colorful storyteller. I needed someone who actually cared for me, who loved me and wanted to be more than just a casual fuck. I thought he was what I wanted, but fuck it, Dan, you were what I needed."

Dan took a deep breath, gently placing his hand on Phil's shoulder.  
"You really hurt me, Phil." he said. "But I don't hate you. Please stop crying."  
"But look, Dan, look at your arm! It's my fault!" Phil wailed.   
"Phil, you know I was struggling long before you cheated on me." Dan said quietly.  
"But I should have been there!" Phil sobbed. "I should have been there to hold your hand and stop you hurting yourself but instead I just hurt you more and I'm such an awful person and I just don't know what to do, Dan, because I'm still so fucking in love with you an-" he gasped, clapping a hand over his mouth. Dan froze.  
"Phil-"  
"i'm so sorry, Dan, I didn't mean for it to slip out like that! Not now!" Phil stammered, taking a step backwards, then another, trying to turn away.   
"Phil, Phil, no, it's okay. Please, don't run away. Not now!" Dan said, pulling at Phil.   
"That's... that's why I wanted you to come down to London. So I... I could apologize to you. And tell you that I still watch all your videos. And your liveshows. And I listen to your radio show every night. And that I'm so damn proud of you. And that I still love you. But then we were in Starbucks and you were so different. It scared me, Dan. I didn't know how to say anything. I didn't know how you'd react." Phil whispered. Dan took a step towards him again.  
"You still watch my videos?" he asked.  
"Every single one."  
"Fuck, Phil. I don't know what to say. What... what do you want me to do?" Dan said, shaking his head.

"Dan... Dan I know this is crazy but do you still have feelings for me? Do you still love me?" Phil said quickly, looking up at me through the thick black rims of his glasses. His eyes were so wide, blue as the sky, and Dan's heart melted, and he suddenly found himself saying what he swore he'd never admit to.  
"Fuck, Phil, I never stopped loving you. I don't think I ever could." he breathed. "But I can't trust you."  
"Please, Dan. Please. Let me have another chance. We both still love each other, and I want to make this right. It can work."  
"Phil..."  
"Please, Dan!" Phil said, reaching out to Dan's hand. "Let's just start from scratch! Let we just met! We'll completely start over."  
Dan hesitated, taking in Phil's quivering lip, before pulling his hand away. Phil's face crumpled, and he began to shake.  
"No." Dan said firmly. "I don't want to start over with you."  
"Dan-" Phil started to say. Dan cupped his hands around Phil's face, and despite the fact that his head was screaming at him not to give in, to maintain his dignity, he leaned in. He pressed his lips gently against the older man's, before pulling away, whispering:

_"But I'm willing to start again."_

 

 


End file.
